Every family has its own peculiarities. We all have an old aunt who is a bit odd, a great-uncle who has a dubious sense of humour, a brother-in-law who has an unusual personality...
As I had the privilege to receive the visit of a dear elder family member during the past week, I have been collecting a few gems, as I experienced the comical side and the frustration that these peculiarities bring.
Workaholic
Amazingly she has been doing business in English, while she never learnt it, nor ever lived in an English speaking country.
She has been up early every morning to check her business emails.
And every morning without fail, as I walked downstairs to blow dry my hair around 8am (I had lent her my blow-drier and left it in her room), she would start asking me questions:
'How do you say XYZ in English? '
'How do you spell "of course"?'
'How do you reply to a message without starting a new email?'
If I interrupt my blow-drying, at this rate it would take me 3 hours to finish drying my hair.
If I don't interrupt myself, I can't hear anything.
What do I do?
'I am taking advantage of the fact that you are by my side to ask you these questions that I normally struggle with.'
Right. Glad I can be of use from the very first moment I am up!
OCD
And every morning without fail, as I walked downstairs to blow dry my hair around 8am (I had lent her my blow-drier and left it in her room), she would start asking me questions:
'How do you say XYZ in English? '
'How do you spell "of course"?'
'How do you reply to a message without starting a new email?'
If I interrupt my blow-drying, at this rate it would take me 3 hours to finish drying my hair.
If I don't interrupt myself, I can't hear anything.
What do I do?
'I am taking advantage of the fact that you are by my side to ask you these questions that I normally struggle with.'
Right. Glad I can be of use from the very first moment I am up!
OCD
In my family many houses are immaculate and look like show apartments. This comes at a cost. Personally, I have been looking after my own household for 15 years, and I like my house to be clean, but I don't like to sacrifice my lifestyle to upgrade it from very clean to über-clean.
Before she arrived, my cousins were starting to tease:
'You must make sure that you have a different pair of slippers for different parts in the house which have different grades of cleanliness'.
While I was wiping the table clean after dinner:
'You must not use the washing up scourer sponge to clean all the table. You should use it to soap up only little dots on the table, then use the plain sponge to wipe the whole table.'
'You need to wipe the dishes with a dishcloth then let them go extra dry on the work surfaces before you put them away.'
She reorganised all my cupboards.
She wiped my fridge, freezer, microwave.
Free cleaning and tidying services, with tips as well!
Pride and expectations
There is a turn of phrase that sounds particularly accusatory. Why didn't you...?
The assumption is that it's obvious what should have been done, yet you didn't do it.
There are clearly certain standards that should be met when you are part of the family, and I hadn't met them.
'Why didn't you turn the toilet you are not using upstairs into a storage room?'
'Why didn't you have some bespoke kitchen cupboards for more space?' (she knows that I had a very restricted house refurbishment budget).
In the train, sitting next to a very good-looking young girl. 'Why don't you dress like this girl, she looks very classy. You would look better in long trousers, especially because your legs are a bit fat.' (I am a size 8 trousers).
Drama
I was woken up at 6.30am by repetitive sneezes the same number of decibels as a motorbike ridden by a teenager full of testosterone trying to impress his friends. 'Oh, did I wake you up? I think I am allergic to the damp smell on your bedsheets.' I smelled them, and couldn't smell anything. And I have the biggest nostrils in my family! Of course I washed the bedsheets again anyway.
'I don't like bins with a lid'. And with that, she starts to leave her rubbish on top of the lid. (The lid sticks sometimes, and she cannot touch the lid because she would have to wash her hands immediately afterwards).
Stubbornness
We went on a little walk in London. She looks up to a shop front sign.
'Oh, Pret A Manger. Is it a French company?
- No it isn't.
- Then they must do French food at least.
- No they do sandwiches and salads.
- You must be wrong, the name is French, it has to have some kind of French food.'
She kind of has a point. Why don't they do any French food with that name?
When you are an expat you have a lot of autonomy and much less influence from your family. It's wonderful to have family members visiting, and to have quality time bonding with people you just don't have the opportunity to spend much time with anymore. But you know what? After a week, I am mentally exhausted by having to think before every single gesture, just to make sure it is the way she wants it done.
And I am so grateful that I can hold the reins of my household again, and lead my life in exactly the way I like, in peace and quiet.
Before she arrived, my cousins were starting to tease:
'You must make sure that you have a different pair of slippers for different parts in the house which have different grades of cleanliness'.
While I was wiping the table clean after dinner:
'You must not use the washing up scourer sponge to clean all the table. You should use it to soap up only little dots on the table, then use the plain sponge to wipe the whole table.'
'You need to wipe the dishes with a dishcloth then let them go extra dry on the work surfaces before you put them away.'
She reorganised all my cupboards.
She wiped my fridge, freezer, microwave.
Free cleaning and tidying services, with tips as well!
Pride and expectations
There is a turn of phrase that sounds particularly accusatory. Why didn't you...?
The assumption is that it's obvious what should have been done, yet you didn't do it.
There are clearly certain standards that should be met when you are part of the family, and I hadn't met them.
'Why didn't you turn the toilet you are not using upstairs into a storage room?'
'Why didn't you have some bespoke kitchen cupboards for more space?' (she knows that I had a very restricted house refurbishment budget).
In the train, sitting next to a very good-looking young girl. 'Why don't you dress like this girl, she looks very classy. You would look better in long trousers, especially because your legs are a bit fat.' (I am a size 8 trousers).
Drama
I was woken up at 6.30am by repetitive sneezes the same number of decibels as a motorbike ridden by a teenager full of testosterone trying to impress his friends. 'Oh, did I wake you up? I think I am allergic to the damp smell on your bedsheets.' I smelled them, and couldn't smell anything. And I have the biggest nostrils in my family! Of course I washed the bedsheets again anyway.
'I don't like bins with a lid'. And with that, she starts to leave her rubbish on top of the lid. (The lid sticks sometimes, and she cannot touch the lid because she would have to wash her hands immediately afterwards).
Stubbornness
We went on a little walk in London. She looks up to a shop front sign.
'Oh, Pret A Manger. Is it a French company?
- No it isn't.
- Then they must do French food at least.
- No they do sandwiches and salads.
- You must be wrong, the name is French, it has to have some kind of French food.'
She kind of has a point. Why don't they do any French food with that name?
When you are an expat you have a lot of autonomy and much less influence from your family. It's wonderful to have family members visiting, and to have quality time bonding with people you just don't have the opportunity to spend much time with anymore. But you know what? After a week, I am mentally exhausted by having to think before every single gesture, just to make sure it is the way she wants it done.
And I am so grateful that I can hold the reins of my household again, and lead my life in exactly the way I like, in peace and quiet.
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